Monday, February 27, 2012

When I Am Queen... by Barbara (Ruth)

When I was little, as with all small children, I used to have my fair share of moments when things did not go my way. Often, my Mum's response was something like, "wait until you're the Queen". Sadly, I am still waiting, and on my walk today I noticed all the Christmas decorations that were still up (it's +12C today, so weather isn't even an excuse!), and I started thinking of things that will be different when that day comes.

Note that this list is not exhaustive, nor is it designed to solve the world's financial, political, and socio-economic problems. No, it's just designed to address those pet peeves of mine which, if they were fixed, I'm quite sure would make the world just a little bit better.

  1. It will be illegal to have external Christmas decorations up past January 15th. Fines will escalate each week, culminating in jail time by Valentine's Day.
  2. Women's sizes will be aligned - a 10 will be a 10 no matter the designer. And, there will be no size zero (which by definition implies a woman has no size! It's ludicrous!)
  3. People will be able to perform citizen's arrests for certain public offenses, including:
    • spitting
    • shouting on the cell phone (it's not a tin can, people)
    • letting doors slam in someone's face
    • failing to scoop your dog's poop
  4. Likewise, positive reinforcement will be encouraged. People will be able to reward perfect strangers for good behaviour, including:
    • holding the door for people
    • being polite and/or pleasant to strangers
    • handing you the correct change when you're fumbling in your wallet at the cashier because you're 6 cents short
    • Correcting grammatically incorrect signage ("A dozen rose's for sale". Good grief.)
  5. Spandex will be outlawed outside the gym.
  6. Patchouli will be outlawed inside the gym, particularly in a yoga studio.
  7. Power naps will be reintroduced at the workplace. (This is very important and will lead to a kindler, gentler society.)
  8. The network of bicycle lanes will be expanded, as will the laws governing bicycle use within city limits. 
  9. There will be no reward for showing up at work "like a trooper" when you're sick. In fact, it will be illegal to do so.
  10. Milk delivery in those fantastic (and recyclable) glass bottles will make a comeback.
  11. The ubiquitous (GW) plastic water bottle will be outlawed. (Especially Dasani, which I'm pretty sure isn't even water.)
  12. A person won't be able to be famous for being famous. (i.e. there will be no Kardashian or Paris Hilton or Tori Spelling reality shows).
  13. Hollywood won't be allowed to remake movies that were done perfectly well the first time.
  14. Lights in change rooms will be replaced to maximize a flattering effect on the buyer.
  15. And there will be world peace.


  1. HAH! I think all is possible, with the slight exception of #15 :) I am thinking that I have quite a few tops that contain spandex in them... so I may be in trouble - all the rest, I totally agree!!


  2. Yup - except I like Dasani water. :-)

  3. You had me at #2. Wouldn't it be wonderful to walk into a store and know what size you're looking for? I often find I fit small, medium and large in the same store.

    And how do you feel about size double-zero?